Last week, I found the best website EVER -- etiquettehell.com -- it's fantastic! This story, however, hit a little too close to home . . .
From etiquettehell.com ----
On 11/13/2004, I attended a wedding that, I neither wanted to attend, nor did I know any of the people. I went because the bride was a childhood friend of my wife. Talk about ghetto from the start. I will break it down, because I am not the greatest story teller.
1. The bride and groom both looked like criminals just released from prison. Instead of the traditional, bride and groom wear, they both opted to go for the pimp and ho look. Worked for them I guess, but she better not bend over
2. The church were they got married is the Mother of the Bride’s church and evidently the bride used to attend there until she got pregnant, according to my wife. The bride got into an argument with the maid of honor because she was a bit late. She told her that she was trying to ruin her wedding because her man wasn’t man enough to marry her so she was jealous – I heard because, we were seated near the back just in case I wanted to make a hasty escape.
3. After the ceremony which included a horrible and insulting to Stevie Wonder rendition of "Ribbon in the sky", a piano player who seemed like he was just learning, and hideous decorations. The church held about 500 people and there were maybe 100 tops and people sat scattered. When it was over they played an oldie joint from the 70’s and the groom and bride danced out. That was the gist of the recessional.
4. At the reception groomsmen all looked like they were gang members, one had dreads, another had braids and 2 others look like they didn’t bother to comb their hair.. They were all dressed like pimps, but not as flashy as the groom, maybe like pimp assistants. One of them kept looking at my wife and even went as far as to ask her to dance. I protested and he got all thuggish. I informed him that I was a cop (a little lie, I am an ASPCA officer and showed him my gun in shoulder holster) and that he didn’t want my kind of trouble (a little dramatic, but it worked). Of course he still kept looking at my wife. But decided to harass other women. Which led to a fight at the reception between him and a brother of the best man, who said, and I quote, “I was dealing with shorty first.”
5. The bride then began to toast her mother, but dissed her father and said he shouldn’t even be here. The groom backed her up and the bride's father got up and left with his “new wife”. Someone evidently stole the cases of liquor stored at the facility (a community center in the middle of the projects) so they ran to the local store and brought back “40’s” Yes they served, Crooked I Malt Liquor.
6. At the reception, one of the bridesmaids got so drunk she performed a full striptease act and was completely naked by the end of the song. No one tried to stop her and the bride just cursed her out afterward. Probably jealous she didn’t do it first. Two other groomsmen started fighting with some guys who crashed the community center where it was held, someone started yelling something about, “put ya block up” and that was it for me. I grabbed my wife, some other young woman who latched onto my wife during the reception and the wife of the minister who performed the wedding (all seated with me) and we left. I gave them rides home and it turns out that the young woman was the former girlfriend of the groom, whom she has a baby with. She only came because she was a born again Christian and wanted to tell him she forgave him and that she was moving on.
Even though I didn’t know anybody, and all the fights broke out and I almost had to shoot a guy (not really, I like my job and freedom too much). The only thing that made it livable was this couple who were the aunt and uncle of the bride. They basically were giving me play by play about who was who and what was what and such. They couldn’t stand the bride and groom either and said that he was a worthless sponge loser who has several children with several girls. They didn’t care because the bride was a “skank anyway and probably deserved him”. These two where funny people and they made it interesting enough to be one of those stories I tell at parties and such.
No more ghetto weddings for me, I am sticking to weddings in churches with reception at real reception halls with people with class.
As I write this, my wife called to tell me that the groom and the best man (groom's cousin) from that crazy wedding I keep telling people about, just got arrested for armed robbery. Evidently the bride called because she needs to get bail money together.
